Goodr Demeter's Farm to Table Feast

"You are cordially invited to Demeter's Farm to Table Feast. Please follow the rules.
1. If you sneak in any store-bought trash like "mayochup," she will turn you into a gecko.
2. Don't ask Demeter when she's getting married. She's not. Get over it, Rhea.
3. NO PHONES AT THE TABLE, PERSEPHONE. Mama only sees you 6 months a year.
4. Whoever brings up politics gets three months of famine.
5. Wear her sunnies because they don't slip or bounce AND you can sneakily check everyone out in their skimpy togas.
Sincerely, Demeter. Yes, I'm writing about myself in the 3rd person. So what? FIGHT ME."